Sex talk: When was the last time you rolled a six?

Recently I was invited to address marrieds at my church, to specifically talk about sex.

Oh, we had fun. It is always good to see people let their hair down for a bit, and step out of the ‘too serious’ topics of church, to wade into this rarely-touched zone and candidly discuss sex – a subject that is causing many marriages to fall apart, as God-fearing couples still believe it is promiscuous to talk about sex, let alone greatly enjoy it.

Believe me, some people as they draw closer to God, start compromising on the sex in their marriages, editing out the fun aspects or shutting it down completely, as a form of ridiculous penance that is meant to demonstrate their love of God. Come on!

Anyway, there I was. In church. In front of my pastor and his wife, and all these other couples, talking about how important sex is to a marriage and to a couple’s fellowship with the Holy Spirit.

I was choosing my words carefully, and inevitably, the topic and questions came round to why husbands feel like they have to chase their wives for sex, and that when they finally catch them, it is still a haggling process of, “please honey, please” met with, “first put Junior’s school fees on the kameeza then I consider your request”.

I answered them, it is because your wives really do not enjoy the sex. It is something they do to please you and to keep the peace, but they have never gotten anything out of it worth writing home about. Crickets.

Seeing the disbelief on some men’s faces as their wives busied themselves in their purses or phones, I asked whether someone who enjoys grasshoppers can be asked twice to bring a plate. More crickets.

As I struggled with how best to explain that wives who have not experienced the otherworldly bliss of an orgasm are unlikely to be enthusiastic about lovemaking, one wife shouted from the back of the room and almost shut the meeting down.

“Look, if you are playing Ludo and fail to roll a six on your die, would you be allowed to come out of your ‘house’ and play?” There was a chorus of no. “So, all Carol is saying, is that many of you men are rolling twos, threes, fives, ones, but no six! Yet you insist on playing. We, on the other hand, are still waiting for someone to roll a six before the games begin properly!” Mic drop.

It was so hilarious, put that way, and soon the entire group was debating stuff like whether rolling a two and then a four does not count as a six. Nope. Not in sex. You had better roll a six, or don’t start playing, the wives were adamant.

At least roll an occasional six and punctuate it with ones, but some wives have only ever seen ones and twos show up on their dice, and they are tired of this Ludo where their partners seem to be playing alone!

I thoroughly enjoyed the session, especially when I was no longer the facilitator, but rather a moderator of a very heated debate. We encouraged wives to speak up and direct their husbands on exactly how to shake their cans so as to most effectively roll a six, as opposed to just despairing and watching the game like a spectator.

As we filed out of the church in the evening, one husband briskly walked past me and cheekily threw over his shoulder: “I need to get home ASAP and roll some sixes without fail!”

So, when was the last time you rolled a six, sebo? Do you even care to look whether your playmate’s pieces have left their ‘house’ or not, or you just barrel excitedly around the Ludo board alone, until all your pieces exit triumphantly without anyone chasing them? Where is the fun in that?!

But hint, hint: if no one is begging you to play Ludo, chances are, you are not a good team player. Bye.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com