Sex Talk: Don’t just sit there; say something!

Many couples are clueless about what to do with themselves on date night. The marrieds end up talking about the children and general housekeeping stuff, but nothing directly affecting their relationship.

When it comes to those in courtship, when they run out of flirtatious words and shows, they start having sex, only to discover a few months into marriage that they married someone they cannot hold a decent conversation with, or even really know.

I was going through my library and chanced upon a booklet that could help guide your private debates and enhance the way you relate to each other, or help you understand exactly what you are walking into. I selected the 25 most interesting questions from The Book of Questions: Love & Sex, by Dr Gregory Stock, for you:

1. If you were sick and miserable, would you rather be by yourself or have your partner with you? [Would you, for example, expect him to come into the labour suite with you?]

2. Would you find it more distressing to never have kids or to never have an enduring marriage? 3. If you could resculpt any part of your body with free, safe, cosmetic surgery, would you?

4. If you came into great wealth, would you be afraid of being taken for a ride by someone who was after you for your money?

5. How much of falling in love is illusion and how much is real chemistry?

6. If you became extremely frustrated with your spouse, would you be more likely to leave or have an affair?

7. At what point is love so strong, it is unhealthy?

8. What is the biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone?

9. What couple has the best relationship you have seen? What about their relationship most appeals to you?

10. What is the longest lovemaking experience you have ever had?

11. If you wanted children but discovered you were sterile/infertile, would you want to forego children, adopt a child, or use [IVF/sperm donor/surrogate]?

12. Five years from now, in what ways do you think your relationship will have improved or deteriorated?

13. What implicit agreements between you and your partner are so important that you would leave if they were violated?

14. Have you remained close friends with any former lovers?

15. When you first have sex with someone, is it important to you that your partner is a good lover or that your partner thinks you are a good lover?

16. Would you rather have a strikingly attractive spouse who was disappointing in bed, or a plain-looking one who was fantastic in bed?

17. If your spouse completely lost his or her temper and started smashing dishes and furniture, what would you do? What would you do if [s/he] slapped, hit or threatened you?

18. What money or other possessions, if any, do you believe should be entirely yours and not jointly owned by you and your spouse? If you were [cohabiting], how would you like to handle money and expenses?

19. What character and personality traits are so important to you that you would never marry someone who you felt lacked them?

20. What role does sex play in your life?

21. What is the strongest public display of affection you have ever made?

22. At what point do you think expressing affection in public becomes improper?

23. Do you think it is possible to experience love without also suffering feelings of pain and loss?

24. Has your parents’ relationship influenced you more as a healthy model to imitate or an unhealthy one to avoid?

25. If you had to spend one month each year separated from your spouse and kids, what sorts of things would you do during the period?

Let’s get talking, folks. Oh, and Merry Christmas to you all!

carol@observer.ug